Just a couple of anecdotes
September 25, 2021
I'm a member of an online community devoted to historic rallying. One of the things that happens there is the dedication of weeks to various car makes and marques, when members are invited to share their photos and reminiscences of rallies from the past.
Recent weeks have featured Lancia (with many photos of the wonderful Stratos in various events) and Hyundai. I've haven't rallied either of these brands but that didn't stop me coming out with war stories. After all, one of the traditions of rallying is the production of anecdotes and memories.
Excel anecdotes:
I had a Hyundai Excel, bought to fit specifications for what I needed for work (small, but had to be able to fit a computer, monitor and printer in the back in their boxes, with some room left over for odds'n'ends).
I was a member of a business luncheon group that got together each month for a lunch where we would promote our businesses to each other. As I was a self-employed IT consultant and the person was the product these sorts of events brought in over half my clients. We used to go to the Eastern Creek Function Centre once or twice a year for a lunch (I went once by helicopter – I'd won the trip in a raffle!) and part of the day was being let loose on the track for a couple of hours before the wine was uncorked. We could also be driven around the circuit by "experienced, professional" racing car drivers in "actual racing cars", but more of that later.
On one of these occasions I was there in the Excel.
First Excel story.
If you have ever driven around the circuit it will have been obvious that it was designed for bike racing, because the apexes of the corners are almost invisible with your head at car driver height. I was approaching a corner when I saw a Ferrari coming up behind me. I politely pulled over to let him pass and then tucked in behind him, expecting him to roar off into the distance. Instead he took a totally wrong line for the corner and jumped on the brakes half way round. Luckily I seemed to be prepared for this, but my mind was going through all the ways I could explain running up the arse of a Ferrari on a racetrack. (The Ferrari driver managed to shorten the free driving session by continually going off the road and keeping his foot on the accelerator, showering the track with dirt and stones.)
Second Excel story.
Like most race circuits, getting the corner at the start of the longest straight right is pretty important (I'll tell you one day about the only two drivers in a Bathurst race who used exactly the same approach to Forrest's Elbow on every lap of the race, both wet and dry. Hint – think of the initial AM and PB.) At Eastern Creek the approach to this corner was uphill and blind, but after a couple of laps I managed to get it right. I was thundering down the straight at whatever speed an Excel can do when the course manager ran out onto the circuit just before the left-hander at the end and flagged me down. I assumed that someone had come to grief so I stopped next to him.
And why had he stopped me? Apparently I was driving too fast. Driving too fast. In a Hyundai Excel. On a racetrack. I added it to my CV. I politely didn't point out that I had managed to stop next to him from top speed without locking the brakes.
But back to the "professional" drivers who had driven us around. I was taken for a ride in a left hand drive BMW that had apparently been built for some European championship and I was reliably informed that it had had some success racing in Australia. The driver used braking points and corner lines that would have confused a toddler and kept whingeing about how his tyres weren't hot enough. When we got back to the pits I was getting out when the pager on my belt caught on the harness. When I stopped moving to free the pager one of the driver's pit crew leaned in and asked me "Are your legs shaking, mate? Did the speed worry you?". I sort of snapped and told him that I'd travelled at twice that speed at night time on dirt roads half the width of the track and which I'd never seen before. I also said that if they put me in the driver's seat and let me loose I would be under his best lap time in ten laps. The clown objected that this was not a fair thing to say so I replied "OK, make that five laps".
Nothing more was said.
On my next lap after being told about driving too fast I found out what had caused the alarm. One of the "professional" racing drivers, still in his racing suit, was standing inside the fence at the corner at the end of the straight waving at me to slow down and the penny dropped. What happens when you punt a front-wheel-drive car with standard road suspension into a fast sweeping corner? The inside rear wheel comes off the ground. My tricycling was something that people supposedly with knowledge of the game had never seen before.
It was a fun day.
Lancia anecdote:
I was looking to buy a car and I found a used Lancia Beta at a dealer, so I thought I would take it for a test drive. The "used car salesman" sitting next to me was giving me a running commentary of drivel about how wonderful the car was.
We were approaching an intersection where I had to turn left. He started raving on about how the car had been designed for heel'n'toe, with the pedals in exactly the right place. He made the mistake of asking me if I had ever heard of the technique. I three-pedalled into the corner and said "You mean this?". He never spoke another word until we were back at the car yard.
I didn't buy it. It was actually a heap of rubbish (which is not a comment on all Lancias, just this particular one which had never been looked after).
